The Talk
by Magenkyo Sharingan
Summary: Exactly what you think it is... Very AU! and OOC! Implied NaruHina.


**Hey guys just felt like since it is the Xmas time and this has been brimming in my mind for a while I thought "What the hell, I'll go for it."**

**Now be in mind that this is a simple one-shot as well as an AU that will show a few things such as:**

**Dark Minato**

**Dark Naruto**

**No father son relationship**

**No Kushina**

**Anyways without further explanation**

**ENJOY!**

* * *

Naruto knocked on the office door, glaring furiously at his father's name embossed on the pretentious bronze plaque at eye level. Why had he been summoned? What right did his bastard of a father have to have him forcibly accompanied at knife point to the uppermost floor of the imposing Hokage Tower? What was so important that he had to be subdued by the masses of armed ANBU working for Minato before being cuffed, blindfolded and dragged from where he was staying with his cousin Karin in Kusa all the way to Konoha?

He rubbed the red welts on his wrists from the recently removed handcuffs and glanced over his shoulder, pissed, at the hundred odd ANBU filling the corridor behind him, swords poised, ready to attack should he make a wrong move. A familiar, infuriating voice called out "Enter!" authoritatively, and absentminded thoughts of otherworldly escape were forgotten as Naruto turned the handle and pushed the door open as if it was his worst enemy before marching in and slamming it behind him, internally laughing at the sickening "crunch" sounding from the hallway.

The sound of a man's face banging into hard oak and being crushed. Stupid man shouldn't have tried to follow him. A stand off between his father and himself was going to be between the two of them.

Anyone biased towards Minato with a sharp object was not good for Naruto.

The large, leather chair faced the window with distinctive blonde hair rising above the chair's back providing the only clue as to the identity of the owner of the room.

"Minato," Naruto spat. "What did you bring me here for?"

The chair swiveled round and its occupant observed his son thoughtfully through blue eyes; he indicated to the chair on the other side of his desk, but didn't answer. Naruto, disconcerted by his father's uncharacteristically calm welcome, inferred his invitation to take a seat and did so slowly, suspiciously, never taking his eyes off the man in front of him.

"Hello son," Minato began. "How are you today?"

Naruto stopped scanning the room for booby traps and trapdoors to stare openly at the older man, jaw hanging open unashamedly.

"You dragged me all the way over here to ask me how I am?" he asked incredulously, ignoring his father's amused quirk of the lips. "Here's the thing...I resent your existence," he snapped. "I despise your way of thinking. I hate our relation after Mom died, as far as I'm concerned, we're _not _related." His voice rose as he grew more aggravated, exacerbated by Minato's clearly visible smirk. "If you're trying to establish some kind of relationship, you're wasting your time. I want nothing to do with you. If you're done, I'm leaving."

Minato watched his son stand to leave, storing his rant in his memory bank for a time when he might need cheering up. The boy was right; they _had _no proper relationship, but still - the permanently calm and cold Naruto Uzumaki practically throwing a temper tantrum was nothing short of hilarious.

_'He must really, really hate me,'_ Minato mused to himself as he reached into the top drawer of his desk and pulled out a small object.

"Naruto."

He turned from his position in front of the door, hand reaching out for the handle, in time to catch the silver package flying through the air towards him. Confused, he turned it over in his fingers. It took a full five seconds for his brain to recognize it.

"Do you know what that is?"

For the second time in as many minutes, Naruto's face took on a shocked expression. He froze, incapable of moving or producing coherent words.

Minato nodded. "Good. Take a seat."

Naruto's mind screamed at him to run and never come back. What kind of freak starts giving out condoms to their estranged son for no reason? However, curiosity refused to let him go and, against his better judgement, he returned to his recently vacated seat.

Minato leaned his elbows on the desk and watched his son over arched fingers, naughtily enjoying his son's obvious embarrassment. A pink flush has risen over his cheeks, and he huffed impatiently as he waited for his father to speak.

Minato cleared his throat. "Relation or not, there are some things you need to know. Soon enough, you'll begin to feel _urges_, and _strange feelings of attraction _towards-"

"Wait hold up," interrupted Naruto, unable to believe man seated before him was giving him THE talk. "I'm seventeen. You're only about six years too late."

"Better late then never!" Minato snapped in response. "One of these days you might find a girl you like, who likes you, you'll go out for a few drinks, take it back to her house - and then what? Find you don't know the first thing about BEING SAFE!" He bellowed the last two words in his son's face.

"I do!" Naruto retorted defensively. "I'm not completely innoce- whoops…"

"AHA!" screamed Minato, slamming his fist onto the desk. "PREMARITAL SEX!"

"Wait what?" Flabbergasted, he leant back against the chair, backing away from his father's furious face. "It wasn't, I, it's not, I don't - hey! You can't talk about premarital -"

"So if it wasn't sex, what was it?" Minato interrupted.

"What?"

"Fine, I'll start out small, we can try to build up a bigger picture from there." He fixed the younger, confused man with an irate glare. "Who?"

Through his blind panic and bewilderment, Naruto managed to raise a eyebrow. "You really want to know who?"

"It is helpful."

"Uh…"

"OUT WITH IT NARUTO!"

"Fine! Um, well I might have, um…" Feeling awkward and still wondering why the hell he was telling him anything, Naruto cut to the chase. "Hinata."

Minato inhaled sharply, surprised, but plowed on regardless. "I see. And did you kiss her?"

"Um, yes."

"Did you touch her breasts?"

"…yes…"

"Did she caress your penis?"

Naruto winced before answering. "Yes."

"So she does know what to do with one," Minato chuckled darkly to himself. "That's five ryo Jiraiya owes me…"

"What?"

"Oh, nothing," he replied dismissively with a wave of the hand. "Did you perform oral sex on her?"

"I don't want to answer this..."

"That means yes."

"Fine!"

"Did she do the same to you?"

"Ugh!"

"Yes."

"YES!" Naruto hollered, both embarrassed and perplexed. "Happy now?"

Minato shook his head slowly. "That's quite a lot you've done with Miss Hyuga."

"Hardly," Naruto muttered, slumping in his chair, feeling like a twelve-year-old who's been caught doing something they shouldn't.

The older man studied him, thoughtful and livid, and goes into the drawer again, bringing out a -

"Cucumber?" Naruto asked, a feeling of apprehension creeping up on him. Minato threw it to him, nodding, and Naruto caught it deftly.

"If you're so knowledgeable about sex, you'll have no problem putting a condom on safely. I'd like you to demonstrate."

"No."

"Then you are not ready to be having sex. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT ever have sex without using a condom."

"There are other forms of protection..."

"Yes, but this is more effective against… unwanted surprises. Like chlamydia and babies."

Naruto brought his gaze up to meet his father's eyes, and he came back to the real world with a jerk.

"This is weird. I'm going." He stood and, dropping the offensive vegetable, walked resolutely to the door.

"No! Wait!" Minato panicked, reaching into the drawer yet again.

Naruto was beginning to hate that drawer and its ominous contents, and continued walking. "Have these pamphlets! They have everything you need to know! And have some more condoms! Come back! Come baaaaaack!"

* * *

**HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND ENJOY YOURSELVES ON THIS DAY AND THE FOLLOWING WEEK UNTIL NEW YEARS. I SHOULD HAVE A CHAPTER UP ON BIJUU CHILDREN UP BY THEN.**


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